1. Let’s get the basics out of the way first. I’m not being funny, honey, but quality pussy has a price on it. Yes, it is true some women don’t know their worth but if you want the good pussy then you need to cough up.
2. I don’t know who told scores of men that women’s vaginas functioned like men’s penises. We do not just spring to attention like men. To get this spring flowing needs nurturing. I think a few tender licks to the clit will be sufficient.
3. Men, it’s all well and good for you to demand that your woman be fresh and smell fresh – nobody likes bad smells. However, before you say that ‘women’s pussies smell like fish’ how about you grate off the cheese hidden under your foreskin. Just to let you know, women’s bits clean themselves, too, thank you!
4. How would you feel if somebody poked their finger up your butt? A lot of you will probably feel punked. That’s how we start to feel if you forget to kiss us or always insist on doggystyle. It makes us feel cheap.
5. Men, please watch porn. Please. I can give you pointers on how to get me off but I’m not about to pause and give you a lesson on how to thrust and move a tool I do not have when I’m rearing to go. If you’re insisting on having sex with me, please know what you’re doing.
6. Regardless of what the Jamaican dancehall musicians state, ‘daggering’ is only good if your cock is up to a certain height. Big Boys, leave it to the Small Guys. Do not attempt to ‘dagger’ me so hard you’re touching my womb if you’re built like a Pepsi bottle. Women love sex but we value fertility more.
7. I was well on my way to finally mastering the deepthroat but then…you shoved my face further down your cock in excitement. I choked, my throat closed up and I almost puked. Sometimes a bit of patience is needed. Otherwise next time you do that, I’ll leave with your dick in my mouth. You’ve been warned.
8. I love how men fling you about and into different positions during sex like you’re a weightless doll. Yes, I am being sarcastic.
9. Fellas, contrary to popular belief, there is such thing as giving bad cunnilingus. Some of you have dry tongues that feel like sandpaper, others chew and chomp like we’re pieces of chicken. We prefer tender, firm, wet licks that hit the target.
10. Having said that, it’s 2010, baby. If you aren’t going down, you’re not sticking around. Case closed.
11. I know that all the players make taking off a bra seem easy. But seriously, babes, if you can’t just let me do it. Feeling you fumble for a minute or two kind of wounds the mood.
12. Lasting for a minute is fine. Occasionally. When it becomes a habit, we have a problem. Then we cheat, tell our friends or make songs. Remember Missy and Trina?
13. On the other hand, lasting for five hours is marvellous but sweetie, I dry up after one. Maybe one and a half max. I’m not an energiser bunny. And I’m not that fit. Plus, my mind starts to wander: ‘have I done the ironing? What time is it? Was my assignment good? I wonder who killed Tupac?’
14. With this one, all I ask is that you understand. With the amount of men that love to try and dodge the Dom we would love to have a cupboard full of them. It makes sense and the cost per unit would be much cheaper due to economies of scale. However, please understand that most men would judge us and assume we are sluts rather than safe. And even if we are or are not sluts, we still don’t want you to think we are. Therefore, it’s always better if you have them.
15. Sex is the only time when ugly faces are allowed. It doesn’t kill the mood it enhances it. But if I open my eyes and see you staring at me while you’re drilling me like a machine, it’s kind of creepy. Please, stop it or I’ll call the feds. You look like a rapist.
16. Guys, if you pour on all the game and sweet talk, and then kiss and lick all my erogenous zones and get me soaking wet I feel cum on my legs and then we fuck – you have no fucking right to turn around and call me easy. You made it impossible to resist!
17. A lot of guys love it when I queef but to those who get grossed out, if my pussy farts it’s YOUR fault!
18. Sweetie, if you want, spunk on me. You pick: my stomach, my back, my arse…but if you do, you have to wipe it off. Its logic.
19. Additionally, personally, I don’t spit because it’s impolite. But for the women that don’t want cum in their mouths, don’t do it if they don’t want it. I know a woman that will spit that shit back in your face. Just a warning.
20. I can’t speak for every female but I’ll tell you why I fake orgasms. I’ve never had a male-induced orgasm. I tell men this, they become so obsessed with my orgasm that they forget to enjoy the moment. And then that’s when they try and last for hours and I get bored by then. So, sometimes its easier to be extra loud at a point, grab the sheets, screw up the face then say you came when you didn’t. Its not that he’s bad, its just I don’t want him to judge his performance based on my inability to orgasm. I’m trying to be considerate.
21. Don’t expect head if you won’t kiss me after. If you don’t think your own juices are clean then the fact that you let me swallow it is an insult.
22. Last but not least – be honest. If you love me, let me know. If you’re confused, let me know. If you only want to fuck me, goodness, let me know! Who knows, I might just want to fuck too but give me the chance to say yes or no.
Many thanks to Nikita Nicks for writing this fantastic post.
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