No.10 - Big Mac
McDonald’s? You are on a first date at McDonald’s? This isn’t a serious date is it? You are married or are already in a relationship and this is just a place where no one would ever think to find you. If this is a first date, don’t expect a second. In fact, don’t except her to be at the table when you return from taking a dunk in the ball pit.
McDonald’s? You are on a first date at McDonald’s? This isn’t a serious date is it? You are married or are already in a relationship and this is just a place where no one would ever think to find you. If this is a first date, don’t expect a second. In fact, don’t except her to be at the table when you return from taking a dunk in the ball pit.
What she will think of you: She’ll think what the rest of us do: You’re a jackass. Now finish your fries and go home to your wife.
No.9 - Milk
It shouldn’t have to be, said but we will humor you this once: Never, ever order anything from the kid’s menu. There is no reason to order milk -- even if you are having a slice of chocolate cake for dessert the size of a Prius. Order an after-dinner drink or just a cup of coffee. Grown men don’t drink milk in public (especially those that may be lactose intolerant). Isn’t that right, Toots?
It shouldn’t have to be, said but we will humor you this once: Never, ever order anything from the kid’s menu. There is no reason to order milk -- even if you are having a slice of chocolate cake for dessert the size of a Prius. Order an after-dinner drink or just a cup of coffee. Grown men don’t drink milk in public (especially those that may be lactose intolerant). Isn’t that right, Toots?
What she will think of you: She is getting involved with a man-child. A guy who drinks milk with a meal needs a nightlight to sleep and calls mom when he needs his shirt ironed.
No.8 - Vanilla Ice Cream
It’s time for dessert. The waiter brings over a tray of treats that would make Augustus Gloop drop a batch in his lederhosen. Your date orders a slice of decadence and you say to the waiter: “I’ll just have a scoop of vanilla ice cream.” Good plan. You’ve got that dominoes tournament with the rest of the boys at the retirement home in the morning and you don’t want to be up all night with a sugar rush. You then continue your story about not being able to find a good pair of socks. Wake your date up, she will want to hear this story.
It’s time for dessert. The waiter brings over a tray of treats that would make Augustus Gloop drop a batch in his lederhosen. Your date orders a slice of decadence and you say to the waiter: “I’ll just have a scoop of vanilla ice cream.” Good plan. You’ve got that dominoes tournament with the rest of the boys at the retirement home in the morning and you don’t want to be up all night with a sugar rush. You then continue your story about not being able to find a good pair of socks. Wake your date up, she will want to hear this story.
What she will think of you: You. Are. Boring. You don’t take risks and you don’t enjoy the finer things in life. She sees a relationship -- and possibly sex life -- that will be just as boring as the scoop of vanilla melting in the little cup.
No.7 - Fish Sticks
If you are going to enjoy fish, you should always ask the waiter for the fresh catch of the day or order the fish special. There is nothing special about fish sticks. They are also not technically a catch; they are the combination of many catches, fish and a couple of additives that keep them edible for a few centuries. Oh, that’s so adorable the way you cut them up and dunk them into the tartar sauce. Is that what the other kids in daycare do or did you make that up?
If you are going to enjoy fish, you should always ask the waiter for the fresh catch of the day or order the fish special. There is nothing special about fish sticks. They are also not technically a catch; they are the combination of many catches, fish and a couple of additives that keep them edible for a few centuries. Oh, that’s so adorable the way you cut them up and dunk them into the tartar sauce. Is that what the other kids in daycare do or did you make that up?
What she will think of you: You don’t like to try new foods. Fish sticks are the weapon of a mother with a finicky child. You are a pain in the *** when it comes to eating -- or doing anything in life that strays from the normal routine. She will assume that life with you will be like Groundhog Day: living the same day over and over again with no escape on the horizon.
No.6 - Lobster
I understand your thought process in ordering: ”If I order the lobster it will look like money is no object. I’ll come off looking like a complete high roller." Good call. Bibs are essential to the high-roller wardrobe. Lobster is a bad idea: You run the risk of looking like a pansy if you can’t crack that ****er open. It’s also one of the messiest foods on the menu and leaves you reeking of fish meat and hot butter.
I understand your thought process in ordering: ”If I order the lobster it will look like money is no object. I’ll come off looking like a complete high roller." Good call. Bibs are essential to the high-roller wardrobe. Lobster is a bad idea: You run the risk of looking like a pansy if you can’t crack that ****er open. It’s also one of the messiest foods on the menu and leaves you reeking of fish meat and hot butter.
What she will think of you: How could you be a good provider if you can’t bust open a lobster shell? Also, if you can’t always afford the lobster, don’t bother getting it just this once. If she thinks money is no object to you then she won’t understand why you flipped out just because she ordered another glass of wine, new kitchen or house on the opposite coast. It’s your own fault, Uncle Moneybags.
No.5 - Tacos
Don’t get us wrong, tacos are a fantastic food. Hell, tacos might be the greatest invention since crotchless undies, but tacos make multitasking during a meal impossible. Your focus will be on keeping the taco together and not on charming her or keeping the discussion going. You’d love to hear more about her job but you need total focus on filling this next shell. You figure an extra scoop of guacamole might set this meal over the edge.
Don’t get us wrong, tacos are a fantastic food. Hell, tacos might be the greatest invention since crotchless undies, but tacos make multitasking during a meal impossible. Your focus will be on keeping the taco together and not on charming her or keeping the discussion going. You’d love to hear more about her job but you need total focus on filling this next shell. You figure an extra scoop of guacamole might set this meal over the edge.
What she will think of you: You won’t pay any attention to her when something else is in front of you. It won’t just be something as simple and delicious as a taco: When the game is on TV or you are one level away from beating a video game (no cheat codes!) she knows she will be as invisible as those refried beans on your plate you haven’t touched. (Smart move, those things will make you gassy.)
No.4 - Corn
Corn is natures’ most annoying food. It’s impossible to digest and finds a way to get lodged in every possible crevice imaginable: in your teeth, in the back of your throat and sometimes up your nose if you try to talk and eat at the same time. That one kernel will be stuck in your tooth the entire meal and you won’t rest until it’s dislodged with your finger, a match box or the end of a butter knife. Also, avoid popcorn should this date include a movie. No one wants to hear you cough up lodged kernels all through an important chick flick. Shh! This is where they first figure out they are in love.
Corn is natures’ most annoying food. It’s impossible to digest and finds a way to get lodged in every possible crevice imaginable: in your teeth, in the back of your throat and sometimes up your nose if you try to talk and eat at the same time. That one kernel will be stuck in your tooth the entire meal and you won’t rest until it’s dislodged with your finger, a match box or the end of a butter knife. Also, avoid popcorn should this date include a movie. No one wants to hear you cough up lodged kernels all through an important chick flick. Shh! This is where they first figure out they are in love.
What she will think of you: You are probably disgusting behind closed doors. You have a ton of nasty habits just waiting to come out once the relationship progresses: teeth picking, nostril cleanings and toenail clipping all while watching television.
No.3 - Buffalo Wings
Buffalo wings are a party and tailgating food that somehow snuck onto every restaurant menu disguised as an appetizer. They are impossible to eat without getting sauce all over your face, and the only way to keep the mess under control is to S'uck your fingers. The only licking of fingers on the first date should be done at your apartment. They also come in levels of spice that shouldn’t be experimented with on a first date. The last thing you need is to break into a sweat just from a few atomic wings.
Buffalo wings are a party and tailgating food that somehow snuck onto every restaurant menu disguised as an appetizer. They are impossible to eat without getting sauce all over your face, and the only way to keep the mess under control is to S'uck your fingers. The only licking of fingers on the first date should be done at your apartment. They also come in levels of spice that shouldn’t be experimented with on a first date. The last thing you need is to break into a sweat just from a few atomic wings.
What she will think of you: She will think you don’t know the difference between party food and real dinner food. She will see a lifetime of subs, pizza and nachos on all your special occasions. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than imagining her 10-year wedding anniversary with pictures of her husband pounding beers because he tried the double atomic wings.
No.2 - Salad
Salad as a first or second course is acceptable, but salad as the main course says more about you as a man than the fact that your belt doesn’t match your shoes. It says you’re either worried about your weight (and the last thing she needs is another person in her life with a weight issue) or it could mean that you really are a complete hog but you’re trying to look civilized. Salad prevents you from pigging out on a large dinner, chomping on a T-bone or licking a plate during the main course. It’s also ridiculously boring. Part of the fun of eating out is sampling each others' meal. You can’t really say: “Wow, try this lettuce. It’s amazing.”
Salad as a first or second course is acceptable, but salad as the main course says more about you as a man than the fact that your belt doesn’t match your shoes. It says you’re either worried about your weight (and the last thing she needs is another person in her life with a weight issue) or it could mean that you really are a complete hog but you’re trying to look civilized. Salad prevents you from pigging out on a large dinner, chomping on a T-bone or licking a plate during the main course. It’s also ridiculously boring. Part of the fun of eating out is sampling each others' meal. You can’t really say: “Wow, try this lettuce. It’s amazing.”
What she will think of you: A man getting a salad means he is either incredibly vain, incredibly cheap or dirt poor. None of those are attractive qualities in a partner. She wants a man that eats more than her -- or at least more than the animals in her backyard.
No.1 - Soup
First rule of thumb: You never want to eat more or less courses than your date. For example, if she gets an appetizer, then you should also get an appetizer (sharing is also acceptable). Same goes for soup or salad. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone eat while trying to have a conversation. If you are ordering a first course, avoid every type of soup. Soup is never a good idea on a first date. It’s messy, it’s hot and it’s incredibly hard to eat while maintaining any semblance of coolness. Ever tried to look smooth while shoving ice cubes in your mouth because the top of your mouth is singed? The combo of slumping over and slurping is not a good look. Don’t you dare pick up and sip from that bowl.
First rule of thumb: You never want to eat more or less courses than your date. For example, if she gets an appetizer, then you should also get an appetizer (sharing is also acceptable). Same goes for soup or salad. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone eat while trying to have a conversation. If you are ordering a first course, avoid every type of soup. Soup is never a good idea on a first date. It’s messy, it’s hot and it’s incredibly hard to eat while maintaining any semblance of coolness. Ever tried to look smooth while shoving ice cubes in your mouth because the top of your mouth is singed? The combo of slumping over and slurping is not a good look. Don’t you dare pick up and sip from that bowl.
What she will think of you: She will think you don’t care about how you look in front of others. If you are willing to sip, slurp, singe, and spill on a first date, imagine how you’ll act the first time you meet her friends or parents.
Comments
Post a Comment